What to do With an OLD Story? Tell it, Alchemize it, Transform it... BUT FIRST You Gotta GET it OUT of the BODY So You Can Transform it!

I had this post on my website for a while ... about a year. It's real n raw and I love it. So I wanted to save it as like a benchmark so I'm posting it here on the blog. 

How Did You Become A Women's Empowerment Leader,  Transformational Healer, Spiritual Mentor & Artist? 

That's a long ass answer, involving NOVELS not just chapters.

I started Take Your  Power Back NOW because I never wanted anther woman to suffer in a lousy relationship or job because of FEAR or MONEY... because that's WHY THEY STAY, that's why women settle.

I do what I do so that women  can make their own money and then be in relationship because of CHOICE and not FEAR.

That's WHY I started my company. 

I too was once stuck in a bad relationship ... one that nearly killed me in a hotel room one night. I sat on that story for 5 years... why? Because I didn't want to deal with sharing the shame about addiction, my crazy ass childhood filled with emotional abuse, mental illness, declaring bankruptcy in 2006 ...I mean the list goes on. 

A little bankrupt girl from Canada decides to bet on herself one more time & writes book that becomes a #1 best seller and launches a global Womens empowerment movement teaching women how to overcome FEAR & THRIVE.

I've always been an artist, art has many forms like writing books, creating deeply impactful transformational courses, renovating houses, gardening is an art, cooking is an art, story telling is an art, raising kids is an art... all of life is an art, in the way you live it.

Like EVERY great work of art, this latest chapter the last 4 years of my life healing trauma after divorce, moving to a new spiritual community of Mount Shasta, navigating the pandemic, completely reinventing my life, business and relationships, gutting and remodeling a physical house very reflective of my own INNER HOUSE.... started with PAIN. 

The BODY keeps score. You can't outsmart the body. In 2019... on the OUTSIDE I had a ragingly successful online coaching business that generated millions of dollars per year. At one point I had 30 amazing people supporting my work empowering thousands of women around the world in my masterminds and online courses and retreats BUT on the INSIDE I felt trapped, the pressure of it all and resented the lack of time and space I did not have for creativity... the very thing that kicked off all of this success I was void of.

What I NEEDED was time and space and peace for creativity. Here I had this ragingly successful career that felt like a death trap. Everything I worked so hard for I didn't want anymore. Not only didn't I want it anymore, the stress of it all was going to kill me.

What's the cost of CHOSING yourself and setting healthy boundaries... of ya GUILT. Oh man did I sit with GUILT.

I literally thought I would die from a heart attack, from the stress of it all. I remember driving home from a yoga class thinking "maybe if I got hit by a car it would be a good way out of this MESS called my life". Ouuuff...THAT was a wake up call.

On top off that my neck was breaking every year for 4 years in a row. My neck would JUST snap, completely break down on me. All of a sudden it would feel like someone was playing me like a puppet like a marionette. I could not sit down, or stand or walk without taking 3 IB profins every 3 hours just to make it through the day and function.

This went on for months. I got fat, frumpy, I felt old, and was unable to work out or do the things that I would normally do to feel good. Enter the ART of Surrender....

My body was TALKING and it was fucking going to have it's way with me so I could either listen and surrender to what it was saying or keep fighting, pushing through it. That was another battle. I dove into looking at the CONTRADICTIONS within the self, the parts the disassociated parts of myself, the fragmented parts that were in direct conflict with one another. I call that the HOLY WAR.

The throat is the chakra associated with creative expression I later discovered, and boy was I blocked there, like BIG TIME! I was also terrified of surrendering to this creative aspect of myself emerging it required the total destruction of my former self, life, structure, business, relationships. Everything. 

The things that normally FUELED ME, gone. I went to a well that I previously would PULL this force of nature energy to propel my drive and ambition and just energy and lo and behold I come to discover the well was DRY. Nothing there, empty. That was terrifying and then liberating all at the same time.

My marriage I discovered like my business reflected all the rescuing I was doing to keep love close to me. The people pleasing, the "helping" others instead of helping myself, the conflict avoidance, the "overachiever" or performer ALL of it.

The same that trauma coping mechanisms and adaptions survivors know all too well. I began to see my ex husbands chaotic & dramatic past marriage reflect and play out in his children that lived with us full time. I dove into healing trauma because I was seeing reflections OF MYSELF everywhere. Nothing separate anymore.

I entered a new relationship with a sexy mountain man shortly after I got separated from my ex husband, who lived with me for a year. When that ended I it triggered some of the most intense grief, the rejection, self worth I mean I had already DONE this before?! WTF! ....a new cycle began.

I really saw myself reflected in that relationship, the light and the darkness the shadows. The Savior and the Shaman. He asked me on our first date... are you afraid of the dark? No I replied. We went to visit caves. VERY reflective of that journey into the shadows we went! 

I woke up one day and realized in my marriage and in my business it felt like everyone was getting their needs met except me and I was working like a fucking dog to keep it all together.... until my body started breaking down. My neck was the first sign. Every spring ( when I got married) my neck would break. Every year for 4 years in a row.

So hired mentors, trauma specialists, massage therapists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, Ayurvedic massage therapists to help move the emotions out of the LYMPH our "sewer system" in the body. I lived with human DESIGN teachers, joined new communities, tried different things to generate income that would allow me more time and space to BE and well, got to work. It's been two years now that my neck does not hijack me in the spring. Progress.

The inner work, healing and researching and immersing myself in new studies that I WANTED to explore ... and guess what? Not having my needs met... NOT A FUCKING option anymore because I was learning to meet them MYSELF!

Dream analysis helped me bring the conscious to the unconscious vivid dreams I was having that kept me awake for the better part of 2 years.

Dance, art, photography allowed me to express and process out some of the things that simply couldn't be put into words. ART is an incredible practice of meeting yourself in the UNKNOWN in healthy and explorative ways via self expression.

My work didn't want to come out in a podcast or course or online work like it had the past as much as I wanted it to or clung to my old identity it was just flat out dying and man oh man did I have an inner fucking battle with that one. Also mirroring the inner battle with he new feminine and masculine energies taking shape.

Rest, reparenting the inner child, sitting with DEEP grief, cleansing my body, and making a new more expansive HOME for my SOUL to emerge is what followed. 

I started doing all of the things I always wanted to do but was too afraid to do. I studied and immersed myself into things I always wanted to study AND explore like astrology and human design, art as a healing technology, Jung and the process of individuation, dream analysis & the mysteries of the unconscious, music, gardening ... the reflections. A new consciousness emerged ONE I believe we are all navigating, exploring ALL OF LIFE in every moment as the compass. 

I burned down my business and all of the parasites and patriarchy that had me operating in ways that were counter intuitive to my BEING. It was agonizing.

There were many days I wished and prayed to DIE, questioned why I was here, GOD, I mean the emotional pain I endured and sat with was astronomical. I wake up every day and think to myself... well Vanessa, you are still alive! What a fucking miracle just that.

I believe the trauma I encountered in my family that of emotional incest not physical or sexual but emotional incest is what kicked this all off.  AND I believe we have all been KICKED into and forced into a collective midlife crisis with this scamdemic. Or INITIATION?

The more investigation and research I do and it doesn't matter from which angle come at it from truth is truth, there are many roads to Rome but truth is truth. How you get there is GOD.

So I ... slowly began working with a few private clients on healing trauma, core wounds with sensuality and sexuality, relationships the masculine and feminine dynamics in relationship to ourselves and others. I was attracting clients who had deep sexual trauma sexual abuse and who had also had developed heightened spiritual & psychic gifts.

The relationship we have with our BODY became a focus, because the wisdom is in the body ... our feelings are like the sign posts. If you're numbing out with various addictions you can't FEEL the body or hear its wisdom. Cleansing helped A LOT and made my intuition just EXPLODE.

I ran a few retreats both here in Mount Shasta in my home and in Kauai Hawaii my spiritual home but mostly worked on myself and gave myself the time and space to explore my own emerging creativity and new channels of expression.

Profound. 

I didn't make art to sell or show people I made it because it had to be made and I had A LOT of judgments around it. Same same with sexuality. I mean creativity is so closely related with sexuality it is our creative life force after all. I was invited to show case my art in my first show here in Mount Shasta in the summer of 2023 AND THAT started having me share the stories and experiences I was having. 

What I discovered through the deep dark surrender to the unconscious, to the feminine consciousness was like a cycle or spiral of layers, going back to my childhood that all got to be revisited or played out again in cycles. 

I even had my dead father visit me at the lake one day in a reflection of a musician here in shasta in the summer of 2022. It was wild. 

I began seeing all of life as a reflection. That took some time to get used to.

I believe as we are all waking up and ascending this new consciousness, 5D awakening, individuating, becoming whole, embracing our gifts, navigating deep greif, loss, death and rebirth it's important to really HEAL and become whole because that is HOW our SOUL emerges.

Integrating our shadows, taking radical honesty, radical responsibility & radical self LOVE to a whole other level. Love yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT!

What manifests is living a life that is RICH and deep with meaning, unafraid but embracing the unknown, deep connection to the earth nature, Mother Nature and each other...it is conscious not reacting with flying projections, where LOVE is the essence and expression. It is being LOVE and expressing it as a way of life.

And is necessary and so needed at this time when we are at war with I don't even know what to call them, deep state, AI, reptiles, fucking aliens who the fuck knows what they are the 13 blood lines of Hollywood pedophiles. Yeah those ones... let's call them what they PARASITES! 

If there was EVER a time to take your power back now... it's RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

We're going to need a lot of awakened love leaders and spiritual warriors leading this time on earth. And it's not even new, we've seen this before this cycle of warfare and evil pure fucking evil on the planet, there's just more people now. More ways to communicate and SEE more. 

The shaman visits the underworld of the unconscious through the bottoms of waterfalls, lakes, river and the roots of BIG trees. I am obsessed with big trees and waterfalls. I live very connected to nature and animals visit me DAILY and bring profound and radical messages. So there's that.

The shaman also LOVES to share enlightening stories... I'm one hell of a rad story teller, I have been blessed to LIVE, not just read about in some fairy tale but actually LIVE a fucking extraordinary life most simply dream about.

I do all of the things I say I'm going to do. Always have always will. I don't just talk about shit. I do it. ALL the way or not at all. 

My work is helping liberate and expand consciousness as it evolves and grows and transforms so that other spiritual leaders, women can heal, can express themselves fully shine their light in the world without FEAR, judgement, without the limitations of trauma.

My astrologer and many others call me a channel at my core I'm all about FREEDOM. So I don't like fucking labels and I don't like being put in a box either.

Although I don't personally see that, maybe I have been doing that with my art, maybe that is how it is channeled. But then again everything is art. Writing is art, singing is art, dancing, making food, renovating a house. It's ALL art! Best healing technology around right after nature and GOD.

I've dedicated my entire life to KNOW thyself, to inner FREEDOM, healing, awakening, leading myself, and navigating the unknown with care, kindness and compassion. It is my honor and blessing to hold safe space for others on this journey of radical awakening.

Welcome to the Next Evolution of YOU lovers!

Vanessa xx

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Love Yourself You're Worth it!